Presence vs Presents

This is the first Christmas I have spent alone.

Ever.

I'm hovering somewhere around 40. In those 40 years I've been delighted by so many wonderful gifts under the tree from my parents, enjoying all of our favorite foods. I've worked part or all of the day, in the hotel industry or animal welfare. I've seen the absolute glee of my own child on Christmas morning. I've thrown parties to enjoy old friends home for the holidays. I've shared the holiday with dear in-laws. I've used the holiday as an excuse to drink far too much. Santa ALWAYS got wine and cheese, because, we explained to our son, he gets tired of milk and cookies.

Almost every year I get stressed out. Presents, cooking, parties, feeling pulled in 3 directions at once. The overwhelming feeling of getting everyone that very perfect gift. The stress of getting the Christmas cards out started over the Thanksgiving break and the fury and franticness of the holiday season didn't let up until New Years Day. Yet another excuse to indulge in a little holiday cheer.

Or a lot.

Usually a lot.

But this year. I'm only pulled in one direction, inward. I've opted for presence vs presents. I managed to get my Christmas cards out on time somehow and they were simply this:

And on the back of each one I wrote "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". No family photo, no pets, no handmade delights. Just me. And I was pretty darn impressed with myself. Because focusing only on yourself is not easy. But in order to find the life I really want, it's mandatory.

This year I lost the best job I ever loved. I lost my husband, my home and in the process my 4 darling pets. I am also no longer living with my son, who turned 18 years old this year. These losses threaten to drag me down into the depths virtually daily, drowning me in guilt, shame and regrets.

But I have gained sobriety. Health. Awareness. I've reinvented myself and started a business, lost over 30 pounds and look at each new day, experience, and person with an undeniable sense of hope and possibility. I have learned to be grateful for the love of my parents and friends. Inside me, there is a passion I didn't know was there before. These are gifts.

So as the little ones are squabbling, your brother is driving you nuts, your mother in law's compliments somehow managing to sting in some odd way as the mess and the chaos of the holidays winds down, please remember to BE present. Look inward and remember, as a delightful 8 year old Ohioan says, "We all have our gifts". Give yours and recognize and appreciate when others share theirs with you.

Merry Christmas All!