Presence vs Presents

This is the first Christmas I have spent alone.

Ever.

I'm hovering somewhere around 40. In those 40 years I've been delighted by so many wonderful gifts under the tree from my parents, enjoying all of our favorite foods. I've worked part or all of the day, in the hotel industry or animal welfare. I've seen the absolute glee of my own child on Christmas morning. I've thrown parties to enjoy old friends home for the holidays. I've shared the holiday with dear in-laws. I've used the holiday as an excuse to drink far too much. Santa ALWAYS got wine and cheese, because, we explained to our son, he gets tired of milk and cookies.

Almost every year I get stressed out. Presents, cooking, parties, feeling pulled in 3 directions at once. The overwhelming feeling of getting everyone that very perfect gift. The stress of getting the Christmas cards out started over the Thanksgiving break and the fury and franticness of the holiday season didn't let up until New Years Day. Yet another excuse to indulge in a little holiday cheer.

Or a lot.

Usually a lot.

But this year. I'm only pulled in one direction, inward. I've opted for presence vs presents. I managed to get my Christmas cards out on time somehow and they were simply this:

And on the back of each one I wrote "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". No family photo, no pets, no handmade delights. Just me. And I was pretty darn impressed with myself. Because focusing only on yourself is not easy. But in order to find the life I really want, it's mandatory.

This year I lost the best job I ever loved. I lost my husband, my home and in the process my 4 darling pets. I am also no longer living with my son, who turned 18 years old this year. These losses threaten to drag me down into the depths virtually daily, drowning me in guilt, shame and regrets.

But I have gained sobriety. Health. Awareness. I've reinvented myself and started a business, lost over 30 pounds and look at each new day, experience, and person with an undeniable sense of hope and possibility. I have learned to be grateful for the love of my parents and friends. Inside me, there is a passion I didn't know was there before. These are gifts.

So as the little ones are squabbling, your brother is driving you nuts, your mother in law's compliments somehow managing to sting in some odd way as the mess and the chaos of the holidays winds down, please remember to BE present. Look inward and remember, as a delightful 8 year old Ohioan says, "We all have our gifts". Give yours and recognize and appreciate when others share theirs with you.

Merry Christmas All!

Kick the Ass of whatever ails ya

With all of the posts of sick friends and their kids this week, I feel I would be remiss if I did not share a little something from my life that happened at our office.

First of all, our recruiter has been sick for weeks with some funk she just can't shake. She was out most of last week. Then our boss caught something and was out for a couple days. Somewhere in there, my friend Marc started feeling it coming on and was down and out for the better part of 4 days. We have 8 people in our office. Odds were, I was gonna get it. Whatever "it" was . . .  flu? Maybe. Cold? Perhaps. Allergies? Doubtful. But when you get right down to it, who really cares WHAT it is, they all just felt terrible.

I did not want to feel terrible. Plus, I'm super busy with pet sitting over the holidays. Sickness? Not really an option. At some point I saw this post on Pinterest: Obligatory Blog Link and thought I should give it a try. But honestly, it sounded like it would taste terrible and "shots" is something I am trying hard to leave behind. But the basic idea seemed worth pursuing. So I hit the grocery store.

Obligatory bad picture

Tea is my new thing, there are almost as many different kinds of tea as there is kinds of wine so I find it rewarding in the same way. It's yummy, it's good for you and a whole box of tea bags is way cheaper than any bottle of wine so, win/win.

I took my stash into the office, fired up the electric kettle and gorged myself on wellness tea.

Recipe:

One bag of Lemon Zinger

a chunk of fresh peeled ginger (maybe almond sized)

local raw honey to taste  (yeah, it's a bit more expensive but it's benefits are worth it)

juice from a quarter of a lemon

a generous pinch of cayenne pepper

Bag and ginger go in the cup. Add boiling water and steep. Take out the bag or don't, whatevs. Leave the ginger. Add honey, lemon and cayenne and stir.

Now I'll admit, I am not a fan of hot stuff in general (spicy hot, not temperature hot) so I was a little whale eyed about the cayenne. But here's the thing - you can't taste it, the tea is not spicy but the cayenne gives the tea this amazing warmth that slides all the way down your throat and just tingles. It's like nothing I had ever experienced before!

I drank a lot of tea that day, and when my co worker Holly said she thought she might be coming down with "it" I made her some too. Neither of us got sick.

Coincidence? Maybe. But this stuff is delicious and just MAY be the cure to the common cold, so try it!

Third Time's the Charm

Today, I had my third acupuncture appointment. Third Saturday morning in a row I visited Acupuncture Together on Burnet Road. In an attempt to become whole again, I have been exploring a new diet, therapy, and acupressure in general to reach a higher level of overall wellness. I thought I should give it a shot and this place is pretty cheap, only $20 a visit, less if I pony up and get a package. They keep costs down by doing up to eight clients at a time, in a large room, dim lights. namaste world music bubbling from some unseen source, it looks like this:

I'll admit, I was a little trepidatious about it at first, it seemed like kind of a personal thing to do in front of a bunch of strangers but they won me over with the price so I gave it a shot.

The first visit was pretty much as I expected, they asked me why I was there, what I wanted to "work on" and I explained how I would really like to get off my anti-depression/anxiety meds and needed some help. I also take an antibiotic everyday to prevent bladder infections and tend to get them when I am stressed out. I'd like to not do that anymore. Both the pills and the infections. I told Ashley I had recently lost about 30 pounds and also reduced my Effexor by half since May, she congratulated me. It felt good to get some outside affirmation for the work I had been doing. I didn't mention I had also sobered up and had not had a drop since June 4th.

She asked me if I had any questions and if I was nervous about it hurting. I really wasn't, just excited to get started so she had me recline the chair all the way back, placed a pillow under my feet and I closed my eyes. She placed the tiny needles in my feet, legs, hands, head and ears and it honestly doesn't hurt at all. I felt some tingling up my legs and arms, between the points she had placed the needles. She told me to relax and I could stay as long as I wanted, placing a tiny clicker in my lap if I needed her. It was warm, dark and peaceful and I promptly fell asleep. When I woke up about an hour later, I beeped her and she came and took out the needles.

Did I feel any different? Not really. She handed me a treatment plan that suggested 2 visits a week for three weeks. I tried like the dickens to get over there during the next week but couldn't until the following Saturday. This visit was a lot smoother at intake, I handed Maxine a 20 dollar bill at the front and headed on back, picking the same chair and Ashley placed the needles in about the same places. There was no tingling this time and I guess I was a little distracted, I tried to relax but just couldn't, my mind racing with the previous week's activities, the errands and chores left to do this weekend, what the following week looked like, I just didn't give any thought to what you are supposed to be thinking about when you get acupuncture. No one really talks about that. So yeah, I was doing it wrong.

When I left I thought maybe this just isn't for me. Maybe it's a bunch of quack science and I could do something more useful with the $20 a week. I hemmed and hawed all week about making an appointment but on Friday, I used their super easy online appointment requester and found myself there again this morning at 9 am.

Today I picked a different chair. As she placed the needles I started taking deep breaths. I've done a lot of breath work in the last few months to deal with anxiety and am learning a little about something called "Emotional Freedom Technique" or EFT. Some of it seems a little over the top to me and I'm not a big tapper yet but the affirmation part is something I can embrace. "Even though I am sometimes depressed, I know the feelings will not last forever" and "Even though I can be a total mess at times, I am taking steps every day to be a healthier person" are two of my favorites. I started with those. Then I started to concentrate on the soft music playing and created an inner theatre of the last year, just some of the trials and surprises in a very abstract way. Some of the darker times I was struggling under water, dark, thick water that had every intention of taking me down into the depths. But then I saw myself swimming towards the lighter water and onto the beach, relaxing on the beach as I watched the waves crash onto the shore. At some point, I must have fallen asleep because Ashley gently woke me up at about 10 as I had asked her to and I woke up so alert, refreshed, and energized, I literally bounded out of the chair and felt like a whole new person.

I don't know if today was a fluke, but I feel like that is an hour a week I can really concentrate and focus on me, what I am feeling, what I want, what I need and how to develop into who I want to become. And there was something about the way I woke up, it was like I wasn't really sleeping but connecting on some deep level to some core consciousness where I can gain strength and knowledge and peace. Now it doesn't seem like there is anything better I can do with that $20 a week.